Georgia On My Mind

The Georgians are at it again. Proud and ready to sacrifice. The current demonstrations led by opposition hyprocites could not be more pathetic.

Take for example the Honorable opposition MP Levan Gachechiladze, one of the instigators of this self-serving injustice to modern Georgia.

He seems dumb as a doorknob when one reads his public statements. The founder of Georgian Wine & Spirits (GWS) amassed his fortune, showing up on a reently released list of "The Richest Georgians", by robbing this beautiful country of one of its treasures...wine. The reasoning he chooses for his oppostion to the current US-friendly government is that it has widened the gap between rich and poor. To prove his sincerety he has begun a hunger strike. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA, good luck fatso, I would suggest googling SlimFast.

Another Exquisite Christian Hottie Idea

Is my Christian Sweetheart Dr. Gabriele Pauli in the wrong party? Perhaps I don't understand her party.

Gaby, my muse du jour, this past Wednesday (9/19) put forth another brilliant brain stimulus.

This time the twice divorced hottie is pleading for timelimits on marriages. After seven years of marital bliss (or not) couples would have the option to dissolve their union or extend it. Marriage is not about security she reminds her male colleagues, it is about documenting the love between two people (I love the fact that she didn't say between man and woman).

The media savvy redhead, knowing that such a spectacular proposal could not escape front page treatment, opens her argument by humbly admitting that this might be a thought one has to get used too., taking some thunder away from her critics.

She continues to display world-class skills in pissing off those lame, catholic, male mammals who run that political party she belongs to. It seems their asscheek muscles are weakening, and the skidmarks left behind are forcing them to go on the offensive. One of them compared her ideas to the dirt under one's fingernails.

Anxiously awaiting the continuation of this priceless saga...especially since even Yahoo News gave this nugget the frontpage treatment, three days after the Man With A Big Van's initial story.

Copyright 2007 Man With A Big Van
Picture used without permission

Sex & Drugs & Golf

Not much beats live golf on TV at 2 AM. Such was the case on the East Coast of the US during last week's playing of the Solheim Cup broadcast from Sweden.

Creamer, Gulbis, Pressel, Lincicome, all somewhat shtuppable one way or another...but what's with the ribbons and face-painting ladies? It's not Best-In-Show.

Perhaps a page out of the Swedish book of natural beauty is advisable, i.e. Pettersen & Wessberg.

Do men who paint their faces for sporting events (as participants or spectators) dig women who do the same and visa versa? Speaking exclusively for myself, I do not see the attraction. As a matter of fact, on me it has the opposite effect.

Nevertheless, the winner really seems to be women's golf. Babies, you've come along way from the boob with the British accent commenting how boobs got in the way of a woman's golf swing. For completeness sake I have to mention the pleasure I received from it being called the Solheim Cup rather than the Ping Cup. So my hat is off to you Mr. Solheim. A minor issue on the surface, but certainly magnified by the final leg of Fedex Cup being played on the men's side. What an ugly trophy that is.

Speaking of ugly, what's up with Gary Player's comments about steroids use on the PGA Tour? He claims that he knows for a fact that "some golfers are doing it". Who Gary? Tell us. Or are you saving it for a book?

In an uncertain environment, narrowing down the possibilities always seems to help. Two players who are definitely "not doing it" are John Daly and Corey Pavin (although his recent re-emergence is surprising now that I think of it). To round it out, two players who "might be doing it" could be Rory Sabbatini and Tiger Woods.

I have always misunderstood drug testing in sports, it is afterall about performance.

Why not drug test more "important" professions, like Lawyers, Investment Bankers and Financial Advisers (boy do I have some stories to tell and I just might later on), Doctors, Politicians, Police Officers, etc.

In the brilliant words of Eddie Izzard, who doesn't understand why athletes are tested for Marijuana, "if you can win the 100 yard dash on performance debilitating drugs, power to you".

And finally, because I love Golf, there should be a law preventing fat slobs who cannot break 90 from acting as professional golf writers. They are incompetent. As good as it is to have live golf on TV at 2 AM, it's much worse to read the fortune cookie golf philosophy of such writers the next morning. I wonder what dirt Cannizaro has on Murdoch....

Copyright 2007 Man With A Big Van
Picture used without explicit permission

A Hottie Christian

It's about time. Cleavage on the campaign trail. Who better to expose the hypocritical, infantile morality lessons courtesy of the religious right than a conservative politician.

Dr. Gabriele Pauli, since 1990 chief administrative officer of the rural district of the city of Fürth in Germany (she won the 1990 elections with 50.4% of the votes, was re-elected in 1996 and 2002 with 59.1% and 65.4% respectively) and member of the conservative CSU (Christian Social Union) party has her male party colleagues throwing one diva tantrum after another.

This rising star fearlessly exposed the lame stasi-like attempts, spearheaded by CSU leader Edmund Stoiber (the Bavarian prime minister has long been known as "The Blond Guillotine"), at digging for dirt in her private life with the specific goal of discovering something along the lines of an alcohol problem or an overdeveloped libido.

Acknowledging the importance of Gaby's efforts in exposing his true colors, Stoiber told her "You are not important". The mouthpieces of the CSU, be it the right-wing press of Bavaria or their internal press office, goose-stepped to Stoiber's marching drum and labelled her the Jeanne D'Arc of Bavaria or more simply, the witch.

As a christian conservative, Stoiber's views on women, marriage, homosexuality and foreigners are transparent. It doesn't matter whether one is from Bavaria or Texas....conservative shmonservative....these clowns continuously exhibit the obnoxious arrogance of turning everything into good vs evil. Needless to say, a breast of fresh air is always refreshing but especially tasty in this scenario.

To make a long story short, Gaby's efforts and courage are being rewarded. Herr Stoiber is stepping down as head of this old boys club effective 9/30/07 with Gaby taking a shot at replacing him. Go Gaby.

On the campaign trail, she is just smoking. A photo-shoot done for the magazine Park Avenue has her donning latex gloves and is merely exhibit A. Post-publication it did result in Stoiber measly lobbing his last strand of funky venom by telling anyone who would listen (and at that point there weren't many left) that now "the genie was out of the bottle".

Anyone with half a brain, even Stoiber, who is googling images of Gaby is rewarded. From miniskirts, cleavage and leather motorcycle gear on a Ducati to just pleasant photos of an attractive woman who has no fear and shook the throne of one of the oldest ultra-conservative boobs (looking at this guy I see some Larry Craig similarities - Four Boobs and a Pastor posting) in international politics who does not consider women equal to men.

Most likely Stoiber will spend his remaining evenings sitting in an arm chair, his lovely wife kneeling at his feet polishing his shit-brown knee-high boots, exposed for who and what he is and stands for.

Thank you Gaby and good luck. The world is a better place because of people like you.


Copyright 2007 Man With A Big Van
Photograph used without explicit permission

Four Boobs and a Pastor

It almost looked like it could not get any worse for the GOP (dafuck was I thinking?). But nooooooo, here comes Senator Larry "I Da Ho" Craig (R-Idaho) cantering down Capitol Hill on his green tights wearing stallion (an uncastrated adult male horse) Robin.

I love using parentheses just for the sake of interjecting a useless explanatory remark...in my opinion, one of the most underrated grammatical tools, at least in the English language.

Larry the Logger (also a very useful minute and a half two-step ditty from the 1977 Doobie Brothers album Livin' On The Fault Line) took a page (no pun intended) out of Rep. Mark "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me" Foley's (R-Florida) book, who headlined the headlines not too long ago, and follows the pathetic little footprints of preacherman Ted "The Crying Game" Haggard, State Rep. Bob "Teabag" Allen (R-Merritt Island, Florida), and Sen. David "Hello Madam" Vitter (R-Louisiana).

Let's take a brief look at the CV of Larry's Trailblazers as well as some nuggets about how they got collared :

State Rep. Bob Allen (R-Florida)

• Age 48


• Married to Beth Elaine Allen


• One child - Tia


• Education: Valencia Community College, Orlando, Florida, USA


• Religious Affiliation: Protestant


• Recreational Interest: Water Sports (impossible to make up, this is just too good)


• Florida co-chairman of Sen. John McCain's (R-Arizona) presidential campaign


• Sponsored legislation HB 1475 - Lewd or Lascivious Exhibition


• Sponsored legislation CS/CS/HB 41 - Sexual Offenses - Requires life sentences for certain second or subsequent offenders; adds offenses to dangerous sexual felony offender law; requires mandatory minimum life sentences for certain offenders; provides enhanced penalties for certain sexual offenses & mandatory minimum sentences.


• 2006 received a 92 percent rating from the Christian Coalition of Florida


• Arrested July 11, 2007 outside the men's restroom at a park in Titusville, Florida after offering to perform a sexual act on a male undercover police officer.


• Price offered to potential victim: $20 (in some former Soviet republic he could get his two lower ribs removed for twenty bucks and blow himself).


• Plead 'Not Guilty' to solicitation of prostitution.


• Priceless Quote: "This is an ugly and unpleasant situation that has been thrust upon me and my family" (nice use of the word "thrust" Bob).
  

Rep. Mark Foley (R-Florida)

• Age 52


• Not married - started the restaurant "Lettuce Patch" with his mommy at age 20


• Education: Palm Beach Junior College, Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA


• Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic (might also be involved with Church of Scientology)


• Recreational Interest: None listed (if you close your eyes some might come to mind)


• Played some role in aiding George W. Bush during the Florida Federal Election Recount Controversy in 2000.


• Introduced a bill entitled Child Modeling Exploitation Prevention Act of 2002 outlawing web sites that feature sexually suggestive images of preteen children, preaching that “these websites are nothing more than a fix for pedophiles.” (I guess the keyword here is "preteen").


• Resigned from Congress on September 29, 206 after failing to bribe ABC News not to release IMs he wrote to former congressional pages referencing sexual organs and acts, and after convincing Speaker of the House Dennis "I'm Much Heavier In Person" Hastert (R-Illinois) to save his own ass rather than taking one for Foley.


• Priceless Quote: "Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man." David Roth, Foley's Lawyer

Ted Haggard aka Pastor Ted

• Age 51


• Married to Gayle Alcorn Haggard


• Five children - Christy, Marcus, Jonathan, Alex, Elliot


• Education: Oral Roberts University, Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA


• Religious Affiliation: Born-again Christian


• Recreational Interest: None listed, but apparently had a fantasy of having an orgy with about six young college guys ranging from 18 to 22 in age and that he loved snorting meth before having sex with his wife.


• Supported Colorado Amendment 43 on the November 7, 2006 Colorado ballot that would ban same-sex marriage in that state.


• Confidant of George W. Bush (for some period he apparently talked to Bush or his advisers every Monday).


• On November 1, 2006 male prostitute Mike Jones stated publicly that Pastor Ted had paid him for sex on a monthly basis for the past three years and that the Pastor also had a nasty little drug habit.


• On November 3, 2006, Haggard resigned his leadership of the National Association of Evangelicals after admitting to some higher moral power than himself that he had scored methamphetamine and enjoyed a massage from Jones, but that he never used the drugs or actually banged him/got banged.


• In February of 2007, Tim Ralph one of the "higher moral powers" exulted that evidence suggested that Haggard is "completely heterosexual" and that the only person he cheated on his wife with was former male hooker Mike Jones. In the New York Time Ralph is quoted as saying, "It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing." (Monthly for a three year period is NOT constant according to this boob).


• In August 2007, Haggard issued a press release asking for monetary donations to help support his family (or his meth habit?) while he and his wife (is that what he calls his boyfriend now?) attend classes at the University of Phoenix.


• Priceless Quote: ""It made me angry that here’s someone preaching about gay marriage and going behind the scenes having gay sex." Mike Jones, Haggard's boy toy for three years
  

Sen. David Vitter (R - Louisiana)

• Age 46
  
• Married to Wendy Baldwin Vitter
  
• Four children - Sophie, Lise, Airey, Jack
• Education: Harvard University, Cambridge , Massachusetts, USA
  
• Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic, Lector at St. Francis Xavier Church in Metairie, Louisiana
  
• Recreational Interest: Teaching the ways of the Lord and cruising for sex with hookers.
  
• Serves as the southern regional chair for Rudolph Giuliani's presidential campaign.
  
• Beat out David Duke by a couple of thousand votes in a special election to Louisiana's 1st Congressional District in 1999.
  
• Introduced an amendment to the Elementary and Secondary Education Act requiring all secondary schools to allow military recruitment on campus in order to receive federal funding.
  
• On the campaign trail in 2004, dismissed accusations by fellow Republicans of having an affair with a prostitute as "absolutely and completely untrue", and was subsequently elected.
  
• On August 30 of 2005 (Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast on August 29) he shouted from the dry rooftop of his mansion that New Orleans was not filling up like a bowl. and claimed that flood levels in the metropolitan area were lowering.
  
• Advocates abstinence-only sex education
  
• Proposed to amend the Constitution to ban same sex marriages.
  
• In July 2007 published phone records show that Vitter placed several calls to Pamela Martin and Associates (a company accused by the US Government of being a prostitution service). Two of those calls were placed while House of Representatives (Vitter a whoremeister in both chambers) roll call votes were in progress.
  
• Today Vitter is still the Junior Senator from Louisiana.
  
• Why? Louisiana has a Democratic Governor who would surely replace Vitter with a Democrat if he stepped down. The Republican Party can be quite forgiving in certain situations...
  
• Priceless Quotes (and I'm going to offer more than one because this boob is still in office earning and spending tax payers money): "Abstinence education is a public health strategy focused on risk avoidance that aims to help young people avoid exposure to harm...by teaching teenagers that saving sex until marriage and remaining faithful afterwards is the best choice for health and happiness.", or how about this one..."This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling."....ahh nothing like receiving forgiveness from the ole ball & chain...and finally, let's hope that Wendy Vitter is not the lying sack of Louisiana lard her husband is. This is what Wendy Wendy Bo-bendy said when asked about President Bill Clinton's hobbies: "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me." (Now that would make a great pay-per-view)

Now for the Boob of the Season, "I Have Never Been Gay" Larry.

Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho)

• Age 62


• Married to Suzanne Thompson


• Adopted the three children Suzanne had from a previous marriage


• Education: University of Idaho, USA


• Religious Affiliation: Methodist


• Recreational Interest: In 1995 he formed a barbershop quartet called The Singing Senators with then Senators Trent Lott (R-Mississippi), John Ashcroft (R-Missouri) and James Jeffords (R-Vermont).


• Arrested for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport restroom on June 11, 2007.


• Pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct on August 8, 2007.


• Proclaimed, on September 1, 2007 his "intention" to resign from the US Senate.


• Announced, through an aide on September 4, 2007 that he is reconsidering his intention to resign.

What did this clown have to say for himself?

According to him, the mistake was pleading guilty to a crime, not the crime itself (coming from a lawmaker this reasoning deserves further investigation at another time, he might be on to something).

He apologized to his family, his constituents and whoever wanted to hear it, for making a bad decision in pleading guilty. Not for his un-senator-like behavior in a men's room.

One might wonder how this guy had the balls to try a stunt like this in an airport restroom rather than a local gay bar. Well, it seems the Honorable Larry E. Craig comes through the Minneapolis airport every Friday when Congress is not in recess on his way home from Washington DC. Ergo, that bathroom was in theory a local gay bar. The reason a cop was hiding in one of the stalls was because of recent complaints of lewd behavior. If I were a betting man (I only gamble with my health), I'd place a few shekels on Craig having had a ball in that stall before.

Rumors of Craig being gay circulated in the early 80s, when he was suspected of doing coke and having sex with male congressional pages (Teenagers!!!).

The fact that he didn't share his "mistake" (not sure whether he's talking about the crime or pleading guilty to it) with constituents, counsel, friends and family could lead one to believe that he is either lying, on drugs or both.

Enough already, I'm too tired to guess where exactly this sideshow stands today, let alone actually research it...

The point is simple and modest.

Dear hypocritical Boobs & Pastor,

Please do not lecture others on morals and how to live life. Instead you might want to spend some time re-evaluating your own.
Get well soon.

Love,
MWABW

Copyright 2007 Man With A Big Van
Photograph used without explicit permission