It almost looked like it could not get any worse for the GOP (dafuck was I thinking?). But nooooooo, here comes Senator Larry "I Da Ho" Craig (R-Idaho) cantering down Capitol Hill on his green tights wearing stallion (an uncastrated adult male horse) Robin.
I love using parentheses just for the sake of interjecting a useless explanatory remark...in my opinion, one of the most underrated grammatical tools, at least in the English language.
Larry the Logger (also a very useful minute and a half two-step ditty from the 1977 Doobie Brothers album Livin' On The Fault Line) took a page (no pun intended) out of Rep. Mark "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me" Foley's (R-Florida) book, who headlined the headlines not too long ago, and follows the pathetic little footprints of preacherman Ted "The Crying Game" Haggard, State Rep. Bob "Teabag" Allen (R-Merritt Island, Florida), and Sen. David "Hello Madam" Vitter (R-Louisiana).
Let's take a brief look at the CV of Larry's Trailblazers as well as some nuggets about how they got collared :
State Rep. Bob Allen (R-Florida)
- Age 48
- Married to Beth Elaine Allen
- One child - Tia
- Education: Valencia Community College, Orlando, Florida, USA
- Religious Affiliation: Protestant
- Recreational Interest: Water Sports (impossible to make up, this is just too good)
- Florida co-chairman of Sen. John McCain's (R-Arizona) presidential campaign
- Sponsored legislation HB 1475 - Lewd or Lascivious Exhibition
- Sponsored legislation CS/CS/HB 41 - Sexual Offenses - Requires life sentences for certain second or subsequent offenders; adds offenses to dangerous sexual felony offender law; requires mandatory minimum life sentences for certain offenders; provides enhanced penalties for certain sexual offenses & mandatory minimum sentences.
- 2006 received a 92 percent rating from the Christian Coalition of Florida
- Arrested July 11, 2007 outside the men's restroom at a park in Titusville, Florida after offering to perform a sexual act on a male undercover police officer.
- Price offered to potential victim: $20 (in some former Soviet republic he could get his two lower ribs removed for twenty bucks and blow himself).
- Plead 'Not Guilty' to solicitation of prostitution.
- Priceless Quote: "This is an ugly and unpleasant situation that has been thrust upon me and my family" (nice use of the word "thrust" Bob).
Rep. Mark Foley (R-Florida)
- Age 52
- Not married - started the restaurant "Lettuce Patch" with his mommy at age 20
- Education: Palm Beach Junior College, Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, USA
- Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic (might also be involved with Church of Scientology)
- Recreational Interest: None listed (if you close your eyes some might come to mind)
- Played some role in aiding George W. Bush during the Florida Federal Election Recount Controversy in 2000.
- Introduced a bill entitled Child Modeling Exploitation Prevention Act of 2002 outlawing web sites that feature sexually suggestive images of preteen children, preaching that “these websites are nothing more than a fix for pedophiles.” (I guess the keyword here is "preteen").
- Resigned from Congress on September 29, 206 after failing to bribe ABC News not to release IMs he wrote to former congressional pages referencing sexual organs and acts, and after convincing Speaker of the House Dennis "I'm Much Heavier In Person" Hastert (R-Illinois) to save his own ass rather than taking one for Foley.
- Priceless Quote: "Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man." David Roth, Foley's Lawyer
Ted Haggard aka Pastor Ted
- Age 51
- Married to Gayle Alcorn Haggard
- Five children - Christy, Marcus, Jonathan, Alex, Elliot
- Education: Oral Roberts University, Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA
- Religious Affiliation: Born-again Christian
- Recreational Interest: None listed, but apparently had a fantasy of having an orgy with about six young college guys ranging from 18 to 22 in age and that he loved snorting meth before having sex with his wife.
- Supported Colorado Amendment 43 on the November 7, 2006 Colorado ballot that would ban same-sex marriage in that state.
- Confidant of George W. Bush (for some period he apparently talked to Bush or his advisers every Monday).
- On November 1, 2006 male prostitute Mike Jones stated publicly that Pastor Ted had paid him for sex on a monthly basis for the past three years and that the Pastor also had a nasty little drug habit.
- On November 3, 2006, Haggard resigned his leadership of the National Association of Evangelicals after admitting to some higher moral power than himself that he had scored methamphetamine and enjoyed a massage from Jones, but that he never used the drugs or actually banged him/got banged.
- In February of 2007, Tim Ralph one of the "higher moral powers" exulted that evidence suggested that Haggard is "completely heterosexual" and that the only person he cheated on his wife with was former male hooker Mike Jones. In the New York Time Ralph is quoted as saying, "It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing." (Monthly for a three year period is NOT constant according to this boob).
- In August 2007, Haggard issued a press release asking for monetary donations to help support his family (or his meth habit?) while he and his wife (is that what he calls his boyfriend now?) attend classes at the University of Phoenix.
- Priceless Quote: ""It made me angry that here’s someone preaching about gay marriage and going behind the scenes having gay sex." Mike Jones, Haggard's boy toy for three years
Sen. David Vitter (R - Louisiana)
- Age 46
- Married to Wendy Baldwin Vitter
- Four children - Sophie, Lise, Airey, Jack
- Education: Harvard University, Cambridge , Massachusetts, USA
- Religious Affiliation: Roman Catholic, Lector at St. Francis Xavier Church in Metairie, Louisiana
- Recreational Interest: Teaching the ways of the Lord and cruising for sex with hookers.
- Serves as the southern regional chair for Rudolph Giuliani's presidential campaign.
- Beat out David Duke by a couple of thousand votes in a special election to Louisiana's 1st Congressional District in 1999.
- Introduced an amendment to the Elementary and Secondary Education Act requiring all secondary schools to allow military recruitment on campus in order to receive federal funding.
- On the campaign trail in 2004, dismissed accusations by fellow Republicans of having an affair with a prostitute as "absolutely and completely untrue", and was subsequently elected.
- On August 30 of 2005 (Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast on August 29) he shouted from the dry rooftop of his mansion that New Orleans was not filling up like a bowl. and claimed that flood levels in the metropolitan area were lowering.
- Advocates abstinence-only sex education
- Proposed to amend the Constitution to ban same sex marriages.
- In July 2007 published phone records show that Vitter placed several calls to Pamela Martin and Associates (a company accused by the US Government of being a prostitution service). Two of those calls were placed while House of Representatives (Vitter a whoremeister in both chambers) roll call votes were in progress.
- Today Vitter is still the Junior Senator from Louisiana.
- Why? Louisiana has a Democratic Governor who would surely replace Vitter with a Democrat if he stepped down. The Republican Party can be quite forgiving in certain situations...
- Priceless Quotes (and I'm going to offer more than one because this boob is still in office earning and spending tax payers money): "Abstinence education is a public health strategy focused on risk avoidance that aims to help young people avoid exposure to harm...by teaching teenagers that saving sex until marriage and remaining faithful afterwards is the best choice for health and happiness.", or how about this one..."This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling."....ahh nothing like receiving forgiveness from the ole ball & chain...and finally, let's hope that Wendy Vitter is not the lying sack of Louisiana lard her husband is. This is what Wendy Wendy Bo-bendy said when asked about President Bill Clinton's hobbies: "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me." (Now that would make a great pay-per-view)
Now for the Boob of the Season, "I Have Never Been Gay" Larry.
Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho)
- Age 62
- Married to Suzanne Thompson
- Adopted the three children Suzanne had from a previous marriage
- Education: University of Idaho, USA
- Religious Affiliation: Methodist
- Recreational Interest: In 1995 he formed a barbershop quartet called The Singing Senators with then Senators Trent Lott (R-Mississippi), John Ashcroft (R-Missouri) and James Jeffords (R-Vermont).
- Arrested for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport restroom on June 11, 2007.
- Pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct on August 8, 2007.
- Proclaimed, on September 1, 2007 his "intention" to resign from the US Senate.
- Announced, through an aide on September 4, 2007 that he is reconsidering his intention to resign.
What did this clown have to say for himself?
According to him, the mistake was pleading guilty to a crime, not the crime itself (coming from a lawmaker this reasoning deserves further investigation at another time, he might be on to something).
He apologized to his family, his constituents and whoever wanted to hear it, for making a bad decision in pleading guilty. Not for his un-senator-like behavior in a men's room.
One might wonder how this guy had the balls to try a stunt like this in an airport restroom rather than a local gay bar. Well, it seems the Honorable Larry E. Craig comes through the Minneapolis airport every Friday when Congress is not in recess on his way home from Washington DC. Ergo, that bathroom was in theory a local gay bar. The reason a cop was hiding in one of the stalls was because of recent complaints of lewd behavior. If I were a betting man (I only gamble with my health), I'd place a few shekels on Craig having had a ball in that stall before.
Rumors of Craig being gay circulated in the early 80s, when he was suspected of doing coke and having sex with male congressional pages (Teenagers!!!).
The fact that he didn't share his "mistake" (not sure whether he's talking about the crime or pleading guilty to it) with constituents, counsel, friends and family could lead one to believe that he is either lying, on drugs or both.
Enough already, I'm too tired to guess where exactly this sideshow stands today, let alone actually research it...
The point is simple and modest.
Dear hypocritical Boobs & Pastor,
Please do not lecture others on morals and how to live life. Instead you might want to spend some time re-evaluating your own.
Get well soon.
MWABW
Copyright 2007 Man With A Big Van
Photograph used without explicit permission
